Worry

I can't sleep.

An early night was on the cards tonight and I'm thinking it may have been the wrong choice.
I've been lying for two hours tossing and turning waiting to drop off but it isn't happening.
So, I've come down to type for a while and maybe send myself to sleep.

I don't know why I can't sleep.
Usually, it's because I'm worrying about something. Annoyingly, I never know what I'm worrying or concerned about... which makes it twice as bad.

Sometimes, I worry about not being happy.
This is totally against my current situation. Right now, I couldn't be happier. I have a gorgeous, caring, loving fiancée  A place to live which, ok, isn't the best, but it's "home". A decent job which pays well and which I enjoy. There is little to worry about.
My worry lies in the annoying "what ifs". What if all this just disappeared? What if all this fell apart and left me alone? These are all very unlikely "what ifs" but they're there, nonetheless, and they mess around with my head.
These worries and "what ifs" jeopardise my current happiness. The "what ifs" become ludicrous ideas that I don't want in my mind. Untruths haunt everything I do and feel and I need to get rid of them.

I think, because this is the happiest I've ever been, I'm frightened of being less happy.
My fiancée means the world to me. We were made for each other. Why worry about that leaving my life? It's not going to happen. However, it will if I continue to worry that it will. If I continue to worry, I'll become clingy and overprotective.

I guess this post is a way of me saying to myself, "Come on, Paul. Pull yourself together. Enjoy this happiness. Enjoy your life. It is what you make of it. You worry and it will be a life of worry without the happiness because you will have driven it all away."

So, this is it.
This is me pulling myself together.
I AM happy.
I'm going to STAY happy.

I don't do God.
I don't do religion.
But, if there is a higher power helping all us little people on Earth, give me a bit of a boost, will you?
I've had an up and down life these past few years and now I'm incredibly happy.
I'm getting married! I never thought that would happen.
So, yeah, don't let me mess it up. Help me enjoy it. Help me live my life with my lovely wife-to-be until we grow old together,

And now for the corniest ending to a post, but I need to listen to these words carefully:

"Don't worry. Be happy"

Sleep

I used to be quite a good "morning person".

I'd be quite happy to get up at some ridiculous hour and get on with the day as any other person would. I'd also be quite happy going to bed at a reasonable time and getting enough sleep.

Over the past few months, though, I've become less of a "morning person" and more of a "waking-up-at-a-stupid-hour-and-not-being-able-to-get-back-to-sleep-so-ending-up-being-grumpy-for-the-rest-of-the-morning person".

I don't know what's happened. I still go to bed at a reasonable hour (22:00 on average) and feel like I'm getting enough sleep. However, I'm waking up at around 05:30 with that horrible feeling of wanting to go back to sleep but cannot get comfortable. I toss and turn and eventually give up because it's too close to my waking up time. Then, by around midday, I'm shattered again.

Why 05:30??

Why can't I sleep that extra hour and a half??

It could be several things.

Cats - as lovely as they are and as much as I probably couldn't live without the two lovely things, they have a habit of cuddling up to us from the crack of dawn. It never used to wake me up but maybe it is now?

Dawn - It seems to be really early. As summer ends, will my sleep pattern get better?

Enough sleep? - Maybe I am getting enough sleep but having that sleep at the wrong time. I go to bed at 22:00 and wait up, on average, about 05:30. Seven and a half hours. That's reasonable. Maybe I should go to bed later. But I'm tired at 10. Do I force myself to stay up later?

I've been awake since 06:30 today and I'm not tired now. It's now 07:19.

I might try staying awake later. That might risk waking at the usual time and being ridiculously tired tomorrow but at least I'll have some sort of idea.

I expect, after reading this post, you'll also be ready for sleep.

Apologies.